b. On this country's SECOND most infamous date. AGE 3: First child to test out of elementary and middle school. AGE 4: Loses Leg While Attempting World's First Manned Space Flight, Launched From The Roof Of Parents Garage. AGE 7: Finishes High School With Honors. Receives Scholarships To Harvard, Brown, Yale, Onondaga Community College. AGE 7 1/2: Attends Harvard (I'm a Red Sox Fan). AGE 8: Expelled Due To Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct Involving A Professor (Female, of course). AGE 9: Becomes Youngest Pilot In Pan American Airlines History. AGE 9 1/2: Crashes Plane Into Country Home Of Dean Of Harvard. Loses Other Leg. AGE 10: Enrolls At Penn State. AGE 13 1/2: Becomes First All-American Quarterback In Wheelchair. Awarded By President Eisenhower. Arrested For Sexual Misconduct Involving Mamie Eisenhower. Sentenced To Imprisonment In San Quentin For Thirteen Years. AGE 25: Parolled From San Quentin One Year Early For Good Behavior. AGE 26: Arrested For Firebombing Macy's Department Store During Anti-Vietnam Peace Demonstration. Sentenced To Imprisonment In Alcatraz For Thirty-Five Years. AGE 38: Publishes First Book: "The Mind Of A Genius: Football, Outer Space, and Homemade TNT in America Today." Eight Copies Sold. AGE 39: Learns To Brush Teeth With Feet. AGE 40: Publishes Second Book: "Learn To Brush Your Teeth Without Using your Hands In LEss Than Ten Days." Twenty-Three Copies Sold. AGE 47: Placed In Solitary Confinement For Sexual Misconduct Involving A Prison Guard. Publishes Third Book: "Under The Skirt: Lesbian Prison Guards And The Cigarette Brands They Love." One Hundred Fifteen Copies Sold. AGE 53: Publishes Fourth Book: "Cigarettes Don't Give You Cancer, They Give You Heartache." Forty Copies Sold. AGE 61: Released From Alcatraz. Publishes Fifth Book: "Where Have All The Flying Cars Gone?" Two Copies Sold. AGE 62: Campaigns For Senate As Green Party Candidate. Shot In Foot At Green Party Fundraiser By Ralph Nader. Publishes Sixth Book: "Darth Nader and the Temple Of Solar Energy." One Copy Sold. Later Burned By Ralph Nader. AGE 63: Contracts Dysentery From A Prostitute On Eleventh Street. Publishes Seventh and Final Book, A Collection Of Short Stories: "Sexual Misconduct On A Populated Streetcorner" or "How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Clap." d. Awash in a sea of APATHY, SELF-HATRED, and LONELINESS.