The Mind Of A Genius

The Collected Writings Of Martin Bruce

7 December
b. On this country's SECOND most infamous date.
AGE 3: First child to test out of elementary and middle school.
AGE 4: Loses Leg While Attempting World's First Manned Space Flight, Launched From The Roof Of Parents Garage.
AGE 7: Finishes High School With Honors. Receives Scholarships To Harvard, Brown, Yale, Onondaga Community College.
AGE 7 1/2: Attends Harvard (I'm a Red Sox Fan).
AGE 8: Expelled Due To Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct Involving A Professor (Female, of course).
AGE 9: Becomes Youngest Pilot In Pan American Airlines History.
AGE 9 1/2: Crashes Plane Into Country Home Of Dean Of Harvard. Loses Other Leg.
AGE 10: Enrolls At Penn State.
AGE 13 1/2: Becomes First All-American Quarterback In Wheelchair. Awarded By President Eisenhower. Arrested For Sexual Misconduct Involving Mamie Eisenhower. Sentenced To Imprisonment In San Quentin For Thirteen Years.
AGE 25: Parolled From San Quentin One Year Early For Good Behavior.
AGE 26: Arrested For Firebombing Macy's Department Store During Anti-Vietnam Peace Demonstration. Sentenced To Imprisonment In Alcatraz For Thirty-Five Years.
AGE 38: Publishes First Book: "The Mind Of A Genius: Football, Outer Space, and Homemade TNT in America Today." Eight Copies Sold.
AGE 39: Learns To Brush Teeth With Feet.
AGE 40: Publishes Second Book: "Learn To Brush Your Teeth Without Using your Hands In LEss Than Ten Days." Twenty-Three Copies Sold.
AGE 47: Placed In Solitary Confinement For Sexual Misconduct Involving A Prison Guard. Publishes Third Book: "Under The Skirt: Lesbian Prison Guards And The Cigarette Brands They Love." One Hundred Fifteen Copies Sold.
AGE 53: Publishes Fourth Book: "Cigarettes Don't Give You Cancer, They Give You Heartache." Forty Copies Sold.
AGE 61: Released From Alcatraz. Publishes Fifth Book: "Where Have All The Flying Cars Gone?" Two Copies Sold.
AGE 62: Campaigns For Senate As Green Party Candidate. Shot In Foot At Green Party Fundraiser By Ralph Nader. Publishes Sixth Book: "Darth Nader and the Temple Of Solar Energy." One Copy Sold. Later Burned By Ralph Nader.
AGE 63: Contracts Dysentery From A Prostitute On Eleventh Street. Publishes Seventh and Final Book, A Collection Of Short Stories: "Sexual Misconduct On A Populated Streetcorner" or "How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Clap."
d. Awash in a sea of APATHY, SELF-HATRED, and LONELINESS.